I think a man's duty is to find out where the truth is, or if he cannot, at least to take the best possible human doctrine and the hardest to disprove, and to ride on this like a raft over the waters of life.
-Plato
While sojourning upon the tempests and trials of life, we are meant to learn and to understand from our experiences. Each cut, gash and scar is to serve as a reminder and teacher of those things that we have felt, seen, and heard which are injurious and painful. From these pains we venture onward, taking the memory of that sensation and with the ability to avoid incurring such in the future. As Pavlov proved in his experimentation, to gain such insight and reactions is of a deeper, animal nature. These innate memories are developed for self-preservation and for the increase of the individual to which they are bestowed. To deny such knowledge - such truth - is to defy self-preservation and endanger the self.
Nearly a full year ago, I severed a connection that had been a nearing constant source of pain, frustration, and exhaustion in my life. Yes, I broke up with somebody who was obviously not good for me, nor was I good for her. (I can say that, yes, the relationship was to both our detriment.) It ended, and we went our separate ways - no, not really.
What actually happened was that we still were around each other extremely often. Same workplace, same group of friends, nearby dwellings - it happened. And tension mounted nearly to a breaking point, until I totally and completely had to shut myself off from the world that connected to her. She worked somewhere else. I broke contact with the group. I intentionally avoided her dwelling.
I found I was happier.
Not just to be free from the tension and destructiveness that was carried along with the flaming wreckage that was our former relationship. But also my freedom from the drama and weight that the group created. Freedom brought realization. From the outsider's view, I could see how truly destructive and dysfunctional that was. There was constant infighting, drama, back-biting, and gossiping. They were only friends for the duration they were around each other, and sometimes not even then.
The distance allowed me to see it, understand it, and know that I didn't want to have such grief as a constant part of my life any longer.
20 August 2010 - Movie Night with 'The Squad'. At the behest of certain persons, I participated - albeit reluctantly - in a movie night. Immediately I had a strong sense of recurrence as it began nearly 2 hours late. As the night progressed, as it was simply a movie night, things were rather tranquil, though reminders were constant.
21 Aug 2010 - Suddenly what had been planned as a day for two became three as a misunderstanding (I am suspicious that it was intentionally engineered to be such) added one more. And lasted most of the day.
22 Aug 2010 - What started out as attending a homecoming talk became talk, lunch, and misc socializing. Then an improv night. A loud improv night.
23 Aug 2010 - Scheduled Starcraft night LAN party. Time to put my foot down and opt out.
Basically, the realizations of happiness that I made in the interceding time of solitude, safety, and individuality are being contradicted.
And I can't do anything without being the bad guy. Again.
