Repetition of History

“Man can only endure a certain degree of unhappiness; what is beyond that either annihilates him or passes by him and leaves him apathetic”

-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Persistence of Life

I think a man's duty is to find out where the truth is, or if he cannot, at least to take the best possible human doctrine and the hardest to disprove, and to ride on this like a raft over the waters of life.
-Plato

While sojourning upon the tempests and trials of life, we are meant to learn and to understand from our experiences. Each cut, gash and scar is to serve as a reminder and teacher of those things that we have felt, seen, and heard which are injurious and painful. From these pains we venture onward, taking the memory of that sensation and with the ability to avoid incurring such in the future. As Pavlov proved in his experimentation, to gain such insight and reactions is of a deeper, animal nature. These innate memories are developed for self-preservation and for the increase of the individual to which they are bestowed. To deny such knowledge - such truth - is to defy self-preservation and endanger the self.

Nearly a full year ago, I severed a connection that had been a nearing constant source of pain, frustration, and exhaustion in my life. Yes, I broke up with somebody who was obviously not good for me, nor was I good for her. (I can say that, yes, the relationship was to both our detriment.) It ended, and we went our separate ways - no, not really.

What actually happened was that we still were around each other extremely often. Same workplace, same group of friends, nearby dwellings - it happened. And tension mounted nearly to a breaking point, until I totally and completely had to shut myself off from the world that connected to her. She worked somewhere else. I broke contact with the group. I intentionally avoided her dwelling.

I found I was happier.

Not just to be free from the tension and destructiveness that was carried along with the flaming wreckage that was our former relationship. But also my freedom from the drama and weight that the group created. Freedom brought realization. From the outsider's view, I could see how truly destructive and dysfunctional that was. There was constant infighting, drama, back-biting, and gossiping. They were only friends for the duration they were around each other, and sometimes not even then.

The distance allowed me to see it, understand it, and know that I didn't want to have such grief as a constant part of my life any longer.

20 August 2010 - Movie Night with 'The Squad'. At the behest of certain persons, I participated - albeit reluctantly - in a movie night. Immediately I had a strong sense of recurrence as it began nearly 2 hours late. As the night progressed, as it was simply a movie night, things were rather tranquil, though reminders were constant.
21 Aug 2010 - Suddenly what had been planned as a day for two became three as a misunderstanding (I am suspicious that it was intentionally engineered to be such) added one more. And lasted most of the day.
22 Aug 2010 - What started out as attending a homecoming talk became talk, lunch, and misc socializing. Then an improv night. A loud improv night.
23 Aug 2010 - Scheduled Starcraft night LAN party. Time to put my foot down and opt out.

Basically, the realizations of happiness that I made in the interceding time of solitude, safety, and individuality are being contradicted.

And I can't do anything without being the bad guy. Again.

A Christening

In remembrance of oaths given and received. In remembrance of your lineage and obligations. Be thou a good knight. Rise, Sir . . .

- From the Knighting Ceremony of Urien ap Taliesin

For everything there is a beginning.

I personally baelieve that the world is in a sad state as far as social communication. The reliance more and more upon non-interactive means in order to convey a message or to communicate an idea, thought, or concept is only to the belittlement of the hundreds of years of evolution of interpersonal interaction. Nuance of tone, posture, expression, as well as an uncountable amount of subtle (or perhaps not subtle) variations are discarded. Only cold, hard textual expression remains. The weight, the meaning, of greater communication is ignored; the author might as well be posting well-distributed cave-drawings for all the progression it shows.

I pity those who are only able to convey themselves through such a one-sided medium. They not only belittle their social evolution of ability to interact, but perhaps have allowed it to atrophy so severely through disuse that a high function of such is no longer a competent option. Worse, quite possibly the growth of such personal faculties was stunted by the lesser reliance as such a developmental state that higher interpersonal communication never correctly or fully developed in them. Such possibilities reflect a sorry state of social regression indeed. A part of what makes humanity above the simple creatures of the animal kingdom includes (but is not, of course limited to) the ability to form coherent and effective communication of higher ideas and concepts. Loss of this regresses us closer to our primitive animal roots from which we sprung.

As such, I dedicate this weblog (hereafter simply 'blog') a recording of my thoughts. Meant for none but myself and to be used accordingly. This is a personal record of thoughts, musings, creations, and other stray happenings along the road of being. To read this is to hazard uncharted waters and risk self. Condemnation, accusation, nor confrontation is not allowed according to the contents herein contained and reference to such will most certainly be denied as if their existence were have never been.

With such disclaimer, I christen this "Late Night Chronicle"